I am no good with deaths. Never have been. I never know the right thing to say, the right thing to do, even the right thing to feel. Initial feelings of shock, sadness quickly dissolve into a mask of practicality and optimism, leaving me feeling like a faker. You see, I don't feel the grief, the pain, the loss that usually comes with a death. And yet the tears do flow, with every memory that the mind throws up. I respond to the grief, the loss that I just can't feel. So it was then, a year back, so it is now and, I fear, so it will be the next time. Tears and no feelings.
For whom the tears flow and the mind does not feel, this time, is my uncle. My dad's older brother. A guy who refused to live a half-life for the sake of longevity. He was the guy who would always reach out for the sweets, that extra dollop of butter, that 6th serving of a parantha . He was the guy who was always laughing, always up for a silly idea or adventure. The kind of guy who would think nothing of driving out to a place on a whim and staying a few days.
People keep asking me if I was close to him. And I feel like shouting back, that it doesn't matter. I still feel the cold creeping up on me, the tears seeping out of me and the realisation dawning on me that it all ends. Everything. And you never see it coming.
And yet we all live our lives like we know exactly when it will be time to wrap up. We postpone the things that really matter, the wishes that really count. all for that next job, that new car, that new house. What if the curtain drops much earlier? What if you never get to have your finale?
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5 comments:
Sad to hear about your "Tauji". Hope his soul rests in peace. I can understand what you are referring to. Tears do flow... and time doesn't matter. Its just one thought of the person... and tears just start flowing. Honestly you got tears to my eyes. You just reminded me of my Tauji and a lot of pain associated to the way I lost him. Its been a year now... Anyway!!
I am struggling to frame a sensible sounding answer to the questions that you ended the blog with... But isn't life all about that balance... of doing what is important at this moment and defer what you think would be better to be done at some time in future...?
NP, been thinking of your post. You don't sound like a faker. Maybe every day is its own finale. That's why some people need no excuse and dance every time they see a spotlight on them, every time they open the fridge door.
I walk alone: Sorry about your Tauji too...
And about your answer to my question, Often what we are doing right now is not out of any sense of importance or choice, but rather its usually what is expected of us. And so we do, no?
Westy: What you said is so true. And on some level, it just made things better, a lil easier to handle! :-)
It's a mix of both. You dont always act based on whats expected from you. There is some degree of self involved in how you make your decisions.
Yeah I know the kinda numbness in place of sadness you are talking about.
As a kid I could never 'cry' properly. But I read a lot including comics. So one day after getting scolded, while I was strugging with the semantics of crying (even though really feeling like crying), I remembered the Luey, Duewey and Huey (Donald duck's nephews)of Disney Today comic and I said the exact things that they write in their talk bubble in comincs : Waaaaaaaaah!
And the crying smoothly followed and I felt light at the end of it (Which I did not feel otherwise).
Its like the sadness that mind had felt at some level connected with the mind only after I conciously said "Waaaaaah!"
Apart from that amusing and true incident, yes I felt the crying but not feeling it when my aunt died.
Maybe I am just numb. Cant even laugh beleivably even if I am happy or find something funny :P.
//We postpone the things that really matter, the wishes that really count.
Ayways I have not realised till date what matters. The jobs cars etc you mentioned also don't seem to matter so much to me. Jobs just for survival, which itself is I don't know for what.
I'll stop the thesis now in this supposedly a 'comment section'. Maybe this will need a whole post, or maybe a whole blog dedicated to the topic.
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