A depressive state is coming over me. Yes, me of the cheery smiles and the 'life is beautiful' outlook, I am feeling sad. And unsettled. And trapped. And panicky. And a million other things. I don't quite know what I am feeling. I don't think I can give it a name. It's a stranger to me. But a familiar one. It passes me often as I go on my day, my life. Occasionally I look into its eyes and realise truths I would rather not, only to quickly look away. Other times, I feel its presence and pretend to busy myself in mundane inconsequences-that black dress, that movie ticket, that cute guy. Yes I know this stranger. And I know why it lurks, even what it wants to tell me, remind me.
But how do I tell it, that I know! I know everything it wants to remind me. That this life I lead, is not what I signed up for, not what I thought was coming- This life of ducked heads in cubicles, blank stares at bright screens, this life of regimented comings and goings, this life that I still continue to fight for even though it makes me sad and disappointed.
This is the life where I dream of who I might have been, what I might have done and where I might have gone, And then, wake up to get ready for another cubicle day. This is the life where I chase behind things that I am told to care about: the paycheck, the security, the climb up the ladder, while I leave all that I really care about, in a corner neglected, second rated. This is the life where I lose respect for myself with each passing day for not having the courage to stand up to this life, to the world, to parents, to myself and get that life I yearn. This is the life where I don't even know what that ideal life looks life. I just know it's not this.
And knowing all that, this is the life I still continue to live- where I bury a little more of me, where I feel a little more dead with each passing day. I can hear Jason Mraz singing into my ear, telling me to "hold my own, know my name and go on my way". He says 'everything will be fine in no time at all'.
But I don't think so. I really don't.
Currently Listening: Details in the fabric- Jason Mraz, Prettiest friend- Jason Mraz
Currently Reading: Bombay, Meri Jaan- Jerry Pinto, Naresh Fernandes
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4 comments:
So much suffering! I can't bear to see it.. espcially since I was in the same spot just three months ago, but miraculously found Isha.
Watch this. Might be.. interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0EaacHfHJI&feature=related
Just to say I know. Its past 3 and I can't sleep trying to fiddle with time so I don't think. Its such a trapped feeling. Raw nerve there... thinking of the could have been. Bombay has changed. Its not the same. I don't feel it. Some thing died and I am not sure if its coming back. I don't feel its home anymore.
@ Fictional Reality - Bombay is what her people is. Bombay hasn't changed, her people have. It's as much in your hands, and how you react, as anyone else's.
You sound so unlike your happy ,lively self.Life always gives back to us what we give to it.So many times when we are not enjoying what we are doing we need to analyse our own outlook towards it.Maybe if not here nowhere else,happiness may always remain elusive!So why not smile back at life and see the change !
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