I've been thinking a lot about 'change' lately. About the things I want to change. About me, in my life, around me. And mostly it's a feeling of disorientation. A mixture of being fascinated, excited awed and petrified. Yeah, that's right. Change confuses me and how. I spend too much time evaluating scenarios. Contemplating change. Thinking about the different places I could land up in. And no matter how good an idea it seems, there's always that nagging worry that change might just make things worse. Fuck a good (or even an ok) thing up.
But it wasn't always like this. I can remember a time not too long back when change was something exciting and something I didn't think too much about. Moving to another city? Sure, new friends, new places. Changing schools? Yeah new quirky teachers. Moving out of home? Bring it on! Think of all the trouble I can get into.
It's one of those things that has come with growing older. Right up there with worrying about money, the opposite sex and PMS. I simply notice change more than I used to. And I feel wary of it. Not because I find the unknown any less exciting, but simply because I am painfully aware that the known is valuable too. I'm sure it also has a lot to do with me taking myself more seriously now than I did as a kid (And stupidly so). With thinking, that for some reason the choices I make right now are somehow more life-changing than the choices I made as a kid (Play now or Homework now?)
Change is hard. And I wish it wasn't so. Coz there is so much that I want to, I need to change. For starters, I wish I could go back to India. It's where my heart is. It's the place that comes closest to feeling like home. And I'm running out of reasons for staying away from it. I know, after a soft-cushioned Singapore life, India will be a different ball game- The traffic, the lack of safety, the lack of convenience. But everyone else manages? And I am made of the stuff everyone there is made of, right? Then of course there is the family factor. I miss having my parents close and I have been a long time away.
But What I would be giving up? Loads! Much as I crib about it, Singapore has been home for the last 5 years. This is the place where I found myself, grew into the person I am today. And I feel comfortable here- In the life I have for myself, the people, the places. More the people than anything else. But this is the city I feel I know the best and at times, it feels like the city knows me too. But besides that, this is the place where I feel truly free. I am answerable to no one. No one cares about where and when I am going or coming and who I am meeting or what I am doing. And somehow that is liberating. This is the city where I have my space. My privacy. Where I am the master of my own life and I make all my own decisions. Going back to India, could (would) mean giving up on all of this, simply because it would mean a move back home, to living with parents. And then it's never the same. Questions always get asked (Where? When? What? Who?), Restrictions always get placed (Don't come home late, Don't go there) and decisions eventually get made (for you). Gradually there will be a loss of control, till I won't be able to call my life my own. Living in Singapore, I have become a fiercely independent person who likes spending time with herself and making her own decisions. And I cannot imagine a life where I wouldn't be able to do all that.
See what I mean? Change is hard!
50 years of Roti Kapada aur Makaan
2 days ago
5 comments:
My darling girl!
I understand the confusing thoughts in your mind regarding change and if I may say so there are various ways of looking at it. You can either accept your life or change it. If you don't accept it , then you have to change it. And if it cannot be changed then you have to accept it! On the flip side, if you do not like something please do your best to change it. But if you finally know that you cannot change it, CHANGE the way you think about it. This will do you wonders and take you a long way and keep you smiling always. Think about it!!Mwaah
The irony of it all is that Change has led you to feel the way you do today. These things you discovered about yourself have happened over a course of time and you certainly aren't the same person you were 5 years ago (or even last year for that matter).
Change has made you who you are today... And I don't think its a process that will ever stop. At the risk of sounding macabre, change ends when you move on from this existance.
As someone far wiser than me once said, Change is the only constant.
I just think we should embrace (in our own way) its inevitablity.
I came across your blog through Blackfayth's, and I have to say I enjoyed a lot of your posts. This particular one, feels like you took a peek inside my head and wrote down what I was thinking.
It's my struggle too. Stay where I am independent and have my life (but it's not, and never will be, home ) or go back to an India from which I feel so far removed now (but is the only country that feels like home).
Ruch: Words to think about definitely. I agree it's either ability (to make the change) or the attitude. But easier said than done sadly.
Blackfayth: I hope the post didn't convey that I don't like change. I love change. It has made me everything I am today. And some of the nicest things in my life have happened because of changes, that at the time seemed very difficult to make. Change is awesome! But it's difficult. Still what u say is true. It's inevitable, embrace it!
Australis: I've been a lurker on your blog for a while: From ur old location to the new. And I love your writing. Glad that you enjoyed mine too!
Talking about that struggle, I remember what a friend much wiser and older than me had once told me- "All it takes is one time. Once you've lived outside india, you don't quite feel at home anywhere: India or outside."
Perhaps then, wandurlust becomes the answer!
Change - Yes we can
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